An Open Letter to Potential Corporate Sponsors

Dear Corporations of America,

Everybody has a sponsor these days. Lindsay Lohan (well, AA sponsor, but close). Lance Armstrong. Nascar drivers. Tiger Woods (once upon a time anyway). And since NYC seems to be in a constant financial hole, I'm thinking it should look for some corporate sponsors as well. Now, I've only lived here one year, 19 months and 3 days (who's counting?) so I'm still classified as an "annoying tourist" to pretty much everyone, but I've had plenty of time to observe the territory and I have a few ideas. Please note I would like credit should any of these deals actually go through:

1. Suburu. Specifically the Suburu Forrester or Outback. One is never more than 10 feet away from a Suburu Forrester or Outback in NYC. Not the cool Suburu's, but more of the station-wagony ones. I'm not sure what the appeal is as they are pretty hideous looking (forgive me if you drive one. I wasn't talking about yours, per se.) It's New York's answer to the SUV for city life I suppose. Perhaps they choose station wagons to avoid paying the $10 oversized vehicle fee in parking garages. But my Lord, they're EVERYWHERE! Forget "punch buggy orange". We play "punch-Suburu"!

2. The color black. Hey, if colors can sponsor Sesame Street episodes, they can certainly sponsor a city. I have never seen so much black in all my life. It's like a giant funeral. People wear black clothes, dye their hair black, and then drive to work in their black cars. When in doubt, pick black. (and, if you really want to blend in, contort your face in a way that suggests today is your last day on death row before the big "grand finale". Then board the subway train, blast your ipod music and stare blankly into space. You will never be mistaken for a tourist.)

3. Big Tobacco. Good grief. Forget calling it the City That Never Sleeps (which is a HUGE fat lie if you've ever tried to get good cheesecake or dinner after 10 pm in areas that are NOT in Times Square). It should be called The City of Secondhand Smoke. I swear to you my toddler has a pack a day habit. I thought NY'ers were to supposed to be so trendy and ahead of the times, but HELLO! Smoking? Lame. And everybody everybody everybody is doing it. I saw a pregnant lady with a towel around her waist (a sure sign that her water just broke...because that was me 3 years ago) standing in front of a hospital smoking a cigarette before checking in. Not even joking.

4. Trash. Not to be confused with trash can manufacturers. Those people would so lose money in this market. However if you are a fan of polluting the streets with all manner of garbage, you should consider sponsoring the city. You'd have endless publicity for your cause.

5. Tanning Salons. Well, you know it's summer when suddenly the human race turns a funky shade of orange (in our home we identify it as "oompha loompha orange", but it's different on everyone). (My favorite salon is "Alaska Tan" because when we think of Alaska, we think of "tan", right? hmmmm.) The Orange Ones tend to trod in the outer boroughs, although it is common to see them in the city as well. New York is full of every hue of the human race, but suddenly, come May, a new race emerges making everyone else a collective minority. It produces a shade like no other. Somehow a memo got leaked to the public that turning yourself the most unnatural shade of "burnt umber" (thanks Crayola!) is smokin' hot and the ladies (& gents!) ran with it. Also, apparently orange goes great with and is amplified by black (see corporate sponsor suggestion #2). Thankfully the rest of the "tannable" population tends to lean towards pasty white (a category I fit right into), however the tanning industry here is blowin' up from May to September. Don't light a match anywhere on Staten Island or the place may just go up in flames or the residents might melt.

Anger Management. Let's face it. Even I need it. Tony Robbins....get yourself some additional publicity by providing group therapy for this place full of issues. Even my husband will tell you, "L did not have anger management issues prior to moving to Brooklyn". Don't even ask me how that hole on the back of our door got there. This place will turn you rotten. ROTTEN I say!

Hand Sanitizer. Probably the most mentioned item in my blog. Don't leave home without it. What's that perfume you're wearing, L? Why...it's Eau de Purell! As Depeche Mode so wisely put it, "Just can't get enough".

Dunkin Donuts. Actually, I think they already are a corporate sponsor of NYC. Much like with the Suburu Forester, you are always within view of a Dunkin Donuts. I can't imagine what kind of stampedes Krispy Kreme would create here. These people be lovin' their donuts.

Duane Reade. This is the "Walgreens" of NYC and, much like Dunkin Donuts and Suburu, you cannot escape its glare. They're everywhere. I'm starting to think Duane Reade, whoever he may be, is sort of a Big Brother entity here. Always watching. Distributing drugs to the masses. Reporting back to the Mothership. Interesting thing about Duane Reade/Walgreens type stores here. People actually frequent these stores shop for groceries and stuff. It's more than just a "run in and grab your prescription, photo order and a pint of Ben & Jerry's" type place. The Walgreens in Bay Ridge has a produce section (granted, it's terrifying) and they advertise "fresh sushi" which to me sounds like they're trying to up their sales of Immodium and Pepto. I mean, who goes to Walgreens for sushi?


Dry cleaners/Laundry Services. Nobody has laundry in their apartments. Except us. Which makes us super cool people. :) Except my washer is broken right now so I am no longer cool and must pay someone (by the pound) to wash my kid's underpants because he's no longer buying my "Commando is Cool!" attitude. Anyway, there are more laundry service companies here than subway rats. So you know they're popular and good candidates for corporate sponsorship. Might even get some things cleaned up around here.

Double hugs, double profits,
L.