An Open Letter to New York City Crime Families

Dear NYC Crime Families,
Just as I was beginning to think that I'd been in Brooklyn too long to notice the daily oddities that make it the freak show that it is, you guys come and surprise me. I woke up this morning living in a Gangsta's Paradise. (yes, I just quoted Coolio. Get over it). I try to maintain a low profile, carrying on in the stereotypical "stay-at-home mom" fashion. I drive a minivan (gag). I stand outside my son's school shamelessly holding a tiny space ship umbrella on rainy days. I tend to smell like baby puke most days, but I wear a lot of dark colors so you can't see it after I rub it into my clothes. My fire alarm goes off anytime I cook anything above 400 degrees in my oven. My life is so plain it makes a box of bran flakes look delicious. So how come I have a front row seat to the largest mafia roundup in history? What, pray tell, does a boring mom like me, one who gets excited about making a new stir fry for dinner, have in common with a mafioso besides dining at Lai Yuen Chinese Restaurant (Bay Ridgers know what I'm talking about) and the sharing the same zip code? Well, right now we're both living on the same street.

Last night I thought God was just looking out for me when I got to the gym and it was closed. Three cheers for a pain free night! Then I noticed that the gym parking lot was roped off and filled with very important looking government mobile command post vehicles with fancy antennas and satellite dishes and guys wearing the snazzy yet cliche FBI jackets hanging out all around. I figured it was just an antiterrorism exercise, which would be a logical explanation for anything out of the ordinary where I live. Then a huge US Marshal's mobile command post pulls in and sets up shop. Hmmmmm. Interesting. (In case you're wondering, I live across the street from the gym....it's God's daily reminder that I'm not getting any skinnier!). This morning I wake up and the place is swarming with feds. (I've always wanted to use the phrase "swarming with feds" to describe my current location. I can check that off the bucket list!). There is heavy activity in the gym and it's not by people going to the 6:30am spin class. I know this because I usually laugh at those people. A while later, my friend sends me a Facebook post stating "100 of your neighbors got arrested in a mob sting". I laugh and suggest that this would be the reason for all the activity across the street. So I turn on CNN to hear about my fellow New Yorkers making the city proud when I realize quickly that yes, indeed this IS the reason the feds have set up shop across the street. Holy Cow! I take another peek out the window and there is the "prison bus" pulling up and unloading Italy's finest. Briefly I imagine that the bus is playing the theme song to The Godfather....like a little ice cream truck full of murderers pulling into jail. There they are, the good, bad & ugly of America's top crime families. It's like a hair gel convention for old, sleazy gangsters. Suddenly I have the urge to watch all the Godfather movies consecutively and eat cannoli. Unfortunately the gym is closed and therefore I cannot eat cannoli because I am unable to burn off those calories in a heated environment. I am beside myself with excitement.

So, Crime Families, I understand you're not having the best day. Stuff you've been getting away with from as far back as 1981 (according to the unreliable CNN), has finally caught up with you. If it's any consolation, I appreciate the fact that it caught up with you in my front yard. Watching a live version of Law and Order go down steps away from my front door has added a little spice to my otherwise droll day of rubbing baby puke into my clothes, learning about ear wax from our pediatrician, and determining discipline strategies for our unruly three year old. Perhaps explaining to our three year old the "situation" going down in the gym parking lot might actually assist in making my point that the little man needs to mind his mama or suffer consequences. It might be a gesture of community service if you could throw a threatening glance his way to drive the point home?

Admittedly I will never quite understand how someone so "un-NY" like me could find herself in so many stereotypical New York situations, but today's scenario was quite funny in my book. So thanks Crime Families. I hope they're good to you in prison.

Triple kisses, because that's how ya'll do it in the movies,
L.