An Open Letter to People Who Want to Order a NY Pizza

Dear Future Pizza Eaters,

If you are visiting the greater NY area, you've probably thought about ordering a real "NY Style" Pizza. If you are from Melbourne, FL, save yourself the time and go to Bizzarro's. It truly is the best Brooklyn Style pizza I've ever had. But anyway, if you're like me, your primary experience with pizza comes from calling 1800-PizzaHut. I have even ordered pizza online in my lifetime. Ordering pizza in "real America" probably goes something like this:

"Thank you for calling Pizza Palace. Will this be for delivery or carry out?"
"Delivery"
"Please state your address"
"Blah blah blah".
"Would you like to try our super duper spectacular special this evening?"
"I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese please".
"Would you like that hand-tossed, pan, handtossed pan, thin crust, original crust, spicy crust, cheesy crust, crispy crust, soft and mushy crust, or whole-wheat crust?"
"Original crust, pan please".
"Thank you. Can we interest you in some sodas or garlic bread?"
"No thank you, but I do have a coupon for 10% off."
"Your total comes to $20. Please give the coupon to the driver. We'll deliver in about 30 minutes."
"Have a nice evening".
"You too."

Now, in NY, that scenario never happens. Never. I learned this the first time I ordered pizza here. If you don't have a menu handy, don't bother calling. I was overwhelmed almost to the point of tears the first time I called for pizza. I am better prepared now and can blurt out my full order and address in 15 seconds (the maximum time given to each order). They don't like it when you don't know what you want. Specials? Whatever. Coupons? Schmupons. Options? It's pizza. Don't screw it up with options. Here is what it is like to order pizza in Brooklyn:

"Goodfellas." (Barely audible. Some screaming & banging in the background).
"I'd like to place....."
"Whaddaya want." (not a question, but a statement.)
"A large pizza with..."
"We don't have large lady. 16" or 18"."
"How many slices are in a 16"?"
"Depends on how you cut it."
"Ok. I'd like a 16" for delivery please".
"Call back when you know what you want on it." Click.

"Goodfellas."
"I'd like to place an order for delivery. A 16" pepperoni."
Mumbling and grunting in Italian followed by, "You picking it up?"
"Um....I said delivery."
"Address."
"Blah blah blah."
"Fine." Click.

And so the mystery begins. How much is it? When will it get here? They didn't take my name or number. What if they lose it? We have waited 90 minutes for a pizza delivery and we have waited 30 minutes for a delivery. I have no idea how they've gotten our order right every time. A miracle. St. Margherita of Naples---blessings upon that pizzeria.

Just when you think you have basic ordering down, they throw you a curve. Squares vs. rounds. This is a big deal here. When we first moved in, I asked a guy doing some repair work in our house where the best place for pizza was and he said, "Spumoni Gardens--if you like squares." I asked him, "What's the difference between a square and a round?" and his answer was, "One is square and one is round." That was it. At the time I thought, "Who cares what shape your pizza comes in?" but I later learned that squares are sicilian style with thick crust and sauce being the primary topping. And for the record, Spumoni is a type of Italian ice cream, not to be confused with gelato. Some people look down on those who like squares. Personally, they are not my favorite, but I do like the spumoni so I will go to the place that serves the squares occasionally. This is a debate that could go on for hours if you happen to offend a round lover. PS--asking for thick crust here is like asking for a punch in the face. It's sacrilege. Go to Pennsylvania for that stuff.

So if you plan to order pizza in NY, your best bet is to know going into the game exactly what you want and practice saying it as fast as you possible can. Everything is cash only. Don't even ask. And if you speak Italian, I think they're automatically nicer to you. I don't speak Italian. I've had to learn the hard way.

Double hugs, double napkins,
L.