Open Letter to Snarky Blog Readers

Dear Friends,
Wow...I've sure made this a lame-o blog by getting all excited about it and then not writing anything for like three months. BOOOO me! Perhaps it is due to the fact that I've lived in the Big Apple for a whole year now (wow!--and still alive!) and what once used to strike me as God-awful Hideousness now barely strikes a chord at all. Wait...who am I kidding. I'm still as shocked as ever by some of the stuff I see, but by the time I get home to write about it....well, I have usually spoken to my therapist and all is well again. I'll admit that I haven't seen a person pee in public in about a month now (granted I was in Florida for three weeks so that helped that statistic!). I did see two people fornicating in the driver's seat of a vehicle parked in front of a preschool at 4'oclock in the afternoon a few weeks ago, but hey...it's cold outside so the park bathroom was probably their Plan B this time. Speaking of fornication....I'm expecting my second bebe' in September, so I GUARANTEE you that I will have more stories coming your way....if' you're a fan of obstetrical humor. Let's just say when I met my OB/GYN for the first time I ran home to Google him to make sure he wasn't a cast member of Jersey Shore. (He bares a strong resemblance to "The Situation". I'm thinking of calling him "The Speculum".) Anyway, if he ever runs out of KY in his office, he can just reach for a glob of hairgel from his gleaming, shiny, spikey hair. I will give The Speculum credit though--he's totally awesome and SO not like that crazy Russian doctor I had a few months back. He has a real office. No closets. And nurses! He has nurses! Hooray!

OK, so enough about hair gel and "down there" business. I've been in NY a whole year now so I figured I'd give you a list of things I've learned in this bizzaro year. Without further ado:

1. Tourists often wonder if NYC is dangerous. Will they die in a subway mugging? Be held at knifepoint at the deli? No, my friends. You're perfectly safe as long as you stay away from a three-way stop intersection. This will increase your chances of living twenty-fold. New Yorkers have NO IDEA. NONE. BADA BING BADA NADA idea how to operate in a three-way stop situation. There is usually no stopping. It's rolling. It's a race. And God help you if you're a pedestrian. The honking...the yelling...the screeching of tires....And that's just me! The others don't stop at all! AVOID AVOID AVOID.

2. When someone asks you "are you online"...they are not inquiring about your internet status. I learned this at the grocery store when someone asked me, "Are you On Line?". I said...."No. I'm at the grocery store". So they got in front of me. Apparently, "on line" means "in line". And so it goes.

3. If you think you're parked too close to a fire hydrant, you probably are. And it will cost you $115 for your trouble. Don't even try it. Meanwhile, you can double park in the middle of a lane of traffic, during rush hour, run in to pick up your deli order and stay and chat a while and run no risk of being ticketed. None at all. Have two cappuccinos. It's all good. Oh, and feel free to do a u-turn from the far right lane to the far left lane going the opposite direction during a red-light situation. Also totally OK. (and I wondered why our car insurance nearly TRIPLED when we moved here!)

4. Always take your shoes off at the door. As a kid growing up, we never did this. Heck, I rarely even wore shoes. It's Florida! But here, you wear big shoes. And when you enter someone's home, you remove them at the door. It is gauche to wear shoes in the house, mainly because you probably stepped on all manner of bodily fluids on the way over and nobody wants that on their carpet.

5. Apparently mustard is the only appropriate topping for a hot dog. And thin slice is the only type of pizza...unless you like squares, which, as you'll read in a previous post, is a huge source of contention among NY'ers. There's gelato, spumoni, and icecream. Know the difference. Follow the rules. Establish your loyalties. And have your order ready when they answer the phone. Just blurt it out. And prepare to wait.

6. Customer Service is not a priority. Never. Nowhere. Fuggetaboutit. I've learned to stop yearning for the "thank you, come again's" so often heard in my home land. Although I do like to freak them out by saying, "Good morning" and "you have a great day!". Hilarious.

7. Umbrellas? Useless. See, it's easy to remember...two words that start with "u".

8. Hours of Operation are mere suggestions. So what if the sign says, "Open at 11am". That could mean 2pm. (And it has, on more than one occasion in my experience). Restaurants in particular operate on their own schedules, not those of their paying customers. Even if you have a brunch reservation for 11am....too bad so sad if you have to come back in ("maybe 20 minutes to an hour"). And do not be offended if the restauranteur gives you major attitude for daring to show up before the restaurant opens, even if they should have opened an hour ago according to their sign (and by all means, DO NOT point out the sign. Don't.) . They are angry just like the rest of New York. If you want something on time, go to McDonalds. If you can find one.

Well, I'm sure there are more things...like uptown/downtown knowledge is really important when getting on the subway, the use of turn signals is a waste of time, and the best cheesecake in the world is located at Paneantico on Third Avenue. And I've met some pretty neat-o NY'ers who, while totally supporting the stereotypes, still manage to be pretty decent people. Just stay on their good sides and ignore their foul-mouths. I'll add more as they come to me. For now, enjoy and stay tuned. I'll write more sooner rather than later. Promise.

Double Kiss, Double Hugs,
L.