Welcome to Brooklyn! By now you've probably seen the signs. "Welcome to Brooklyn....How Sweet It Is!" or "Welcome to Brooklyn....You Name It, We've Got It", etc. These are signs that the local government installed around town to welcome you to our humble borough. Well, who am I kidding....nothing about Brooklyn is humble. But anyway, these cutesy little directional ironies have popped up all over, supposedly to add some charm and humor to this charmless & humorless city. Be warned, gentle visitor. These signs are a bit misleading with just a hint of exaggeration. Based on my experiences here, I have submitted some suggestions for future signs to help "manage expectations" to use a phrase from my husband's vernacular. I mean, seriously, after you pass the "How Sweet It Is" sign you either laugh or wonder if you've made a wrong turn. The language used in my suggestions is considered "native" of these parts and not necessarily my first choice of vocabulary, but realistically, this is what you can expect. Without further adieu--my suggestions for more appropriately managing expectations for first time guests in Brooklyn:
1. Welcome to Brooklyn....OMG WTF was that??!
2. Welcome to Brooklyn....Prepare to Gain 20lbs. Cheesecake & Pizza Are Food Groups.
3. Welcome to Brooklyn...Don't Look Now But That Guy Is About to Pee on Your Shoes.
4. Welcome to Brooklyn...Now Get the Hell Out.
5. Welcome to Brooklyn...Quit driving and start walking if you want to live.
6. Welcome to Brooklyn...Where Everyone Hates You. We're Not Kidding.
7. Welcome to Brooklyn...Hope You're Packing Heat!
8. Welcome to F'ing Brooklyn where we're so F'ing happy you're here. Now get out of the F'ing way.
9. Welcome to Brooklyn...Hope you brought hand sanitizer!
10. Welcome to Brooklyn...Don't Make Eye Contact.
I'm telling you...this place is bizarre. One day you love it, the next day you wonder how it's possible to survive a trip to the grocery store. Block to block things change dramatically. One minute you're in Little Russia and the next you're in Little Kabul. And then Little Israel. Everyone keeps to their respective nations and then there's me. The goofy white girl with toddler in tow asking for directions to the Children's Museum (ps...Hasidic Jews are not allowed to look Gentile women in the eye or speak to them in general. Did not know this and it created some awkward cultural moments for me, but thanks to Googling "What do hasidic jews have against me", I found the answer & thought I should share). I do think it's cool that we can give my son the "around the world" experience people usually pay $80 a pop for at Epcot. Sometimes I even hum "It's a Small World" for him and pretend what we're actually looking at are wooden puppets acting out a series of strange interpersonal scenarios, frequently diverting his attention to look at a wayward rodent to avoid bearing witness the passage of bodily fluids or the occasional outbreak fisticuffs. It's not necessariliy a "world of laughter, a world of cheer", but hey...we have good pizza. That's enough for me.
In defense of Brooklyn, there are a few charming areas. I use the term lightly, but if you take a stroll down in Bay Ridge (where we live, yay!), Park Slope, DUMBO, or Brooklyn Heights (think Cliff Huxtable's neighborhood....and if you have to ask who that is, quit reading this immediately. You're too young), you will feel a little Sesame-Street meets Goodfellas, but it's nice. But for some reason, if you're like me, you will find yourself conducting business more often than not in the "OTHER" areas. You know what I'm talking about, even if you've never been here. And these are where they tend to throw up those fun little feel-good "Welcome" signs like "don't be afraid....it's all good. Just watch your purse" kind of signs. I just think it's hilarious because of the intense irony involved. If you've ever set foot in Brooklyn, even in the nicer areas, "sweet" would be one of the last adjectives you'd use to describe your surroundings. (PS, Brooklyners tend to only use one adjective, however it also works as a noun, verb and pretty much any of the other parts of speech).
The one sign that is totally and completely accurate is located right near my house. It reads, no lie,"Now Leaving Brooklyn.....Fuhggetaboutit".
Double Kiss, Double Hugs,
L.
#5 isn't bad. I wish I could walk everywhere I needed to go instead of driving.
ReplyDelete