Open Letter to New York City

Dear NYC,
So, I just found out you might not be "all that" after all. You go around parading yourself on a global level as the ultra chic center of all that is holy and cutting-edge in, well, everything, but see....that's a lie. NYC....you're kidding yourself if you think you've got the monopoly on the SuperFabulous market. I know this because this past weekend, I went to Boston.

Here are a few reasons why you should watch your back:

1. In NYC when you approach a subway attendant, they immediately pretend to be (1) asleep, (2) deaf (3) blind (4) deaf & blind & asleep and (5) dead. In Boston, you do not have to approach the subway attendant because chances are, he/she has left her insular world behind the plexiglass and is standing by the ticket machines eager to help. Yes. EAGER to do work. Imagine that.

2. In NYC, you will...WILL...encounter fecal matter on a daily basis. It could be anywhere...anytime. Lurking in subway elevators, playgrounds, planter boxes, and sidewalks (ie, right in the middle, not tucked away). We're not talking about doggie doo. In Boston, never once did I feel the overwhelming need to vomit/douse myself in hand sanitizer and light a match. Not once!

3. In NYC, you will more than likely encounter at least 10 people a day whose bathing status is "unknown". Never once have I left the house and not passed multiple people who remind me that I need to restock on deodorant (or hand sanitizer). In Boston, everyone grooms. Everyone at least has a bath. I can tell. I'd shake hands with 99% of the Bostonians I saw. I'd shake hands with 10% of NY'ers.

4. In NYC, you will hear the F-bomb used as a noun, verb, adjective, pronoun, and exclamation. All day long. You will find yourself yelling, "Duck? Where are the ducks?" so that your two-year old doesn't start asking for the F-ing apple juice the next time he's thirsty. In Boston, they just say "Wicked" all the time. Strange, but charming. I'd rather hear my son ask for the wicked juice any day of the week.

5. In NYC, if you are lost, well....people will refer you to #4 on my list. In Boston, they approach the obviously lost and assist without hesitation. They may even offer to purchase you a beer and trace your family history back to the days of Sam Adams and Paul Revere. They're just wicked nice like that.

6. In NYC, you can get drunk at any bar at any time of the day. In Boston, you can get drunk at any bar at any time of the day. So I guess this one is a draw.

7. Boston is home to Harvard, MIT, and Boston University to name a few. In general, people there seem pretty astute. NYC is home to Columbia, Cornell & NYU. However it is also home to 8 million insane and dirty people. Those people seem to be running the city and all the major operations that I encounter every day. Not sure where those smart kids are, but if they're really smart, they're all hanging out in Boston.

8. In NYC, when you're done with any beverage/paper/bag, etc, chances are you will throw it on the ground. Littering is the accepted practice in NYC and it is encouraged by the city as there are very few trash cans. In Boston, there are newspaper recycling cans in the subway and trashcans every 100 feet (my husband, the engineer, actually counted this). It is clean. The absence of garbage is refreshing and I guarantee you that with the absence of trash comes the absence of rodents, although my son missed seeing the "kitty cats" on the subway as he calls them here.

9. The subways in NYC are "use at your own risk". They are multifunctional. The NYC subway system is a urinial on rails, a home for the city's homeless population, a hub of entertainment for the out-of-tune-and-drunk-street-performer variety (usually using body parts as musical instruments if a real instrument is not available), and a spot for people to engage in public displays of insanity. The Boston "T" as it's called is a hub for transportation. Imagine that. I did not enter the underground with the same cause for alarm as I do in NYC. I did not need a weapon or a plan of escape. I did not need to collapse the stroller, squeeze through the turnstile without my child losing a limb, and I didn't sweat. It's handicapped accessible and the elevators are used for elevating.....not toilets. Nobody tried to guilt me into giving money by telling me I'm a bad example for my son. Yay Boston!

10. In NYC, I have an Ally McBeal fantasy of taking a baseball bat and bashing in the windows of every car that honks at me. So, as you can imagine, I think about this all day long when I'm driving. Everybody honks. I have nightmares about honking. Driving here has drawn out my inner road rager and I have found myself screaming and waving my fists in the air at cars who are jerks (my son has started imitating me. It's embarrassing because he's actually pretty accurate). It's awful. In Boston, I didn't hear honking and never once added "baseball bat" to my shopping list. Refreshing.

So there are just a few reasons why NYC should seriously get off the ego trip. Boston has got it together. And they have awesome historical sites and groovy restaurants and amazing parks. NYC....you are not the mother of all big cities. You can't fool me anyway.

No kisses or hugs for you today,
L.