Open Letter to 3 Random Men, One with Severe Butt Crack Issues

Dear Sirs,
This morning I had the privledge of dropping off my husband at the subway stop. This is something I do from time to time when the stars align and we're all out of bed and alert at the same time in the morning. It is only a 5 minute ride to the stop, but it saves him about 20 minutes of walk time. After depositing him at the corner of 4th & 95th, I proceeded the brief ride home. (I'm still in my pj's, that's how brief it is). This is when I encounter Sir #1, who incidentally also has somewhat of a butt crack issue. There you are standing in front of St. Patrick's School relieving yourself of your morning coffee. Right there on the side walk. IN FRONT OF A SCHOOL! Thank you Jesus that it is summer time and there were no children present, but honestly. You were peeing on the house of the Lord and a school! WITH YOUR BUTT CRACK SHOWING! That's triple lightening strikes for you Sir!

I am still reeling from Sir #1 when I get to the end of the block & what do I see? You, Sir #2, relieving yourself of your morning beer (yes, it probably was beer based on the stagger and proximity to the Panic Room bar. The fact that it is 7am means nothing.) right there in the park where my child plays. Unacceptable. But because I was in my pajamas while driving, it was also unacceptable for me to exit my vehicle to scold you for being a jerk head. But let the record show that I do, indeed, think you are a jerk head.

At this point, I am pretty pissed, no pun intended. But because it appears to be National Pee Outside In Public Day, it comes as no surprise when I notice Sir #3 doing what I call the Artful Dodger Taxi Stance . Thank you for at least attempting to cover up your transgression with your car door. Almost tasteful, but not quite. Who are you kidding? Everybody knows what's going on over there behind that door. Bonus point for you though for at least trying.

I understand that this is New York where people live with the mentality that the world is your urinal, but seeing 3 men in under a minute all relieving themselves in public is cause for concern. It's like a mini-epidemic, ya know? Churches, playgrounds and streets aren't really the best spots for this activity. I mean, if I'm going to spend all this time and effort trying to teach my 2 year old to pee in a potty, can you at least help me out by peeing in spots where people expect to find urine...like the subway or in the corner at the deli? I'll even give you an M&M, just like I do for him. (Actually, to date, Ryan has had 2 M&M's and mommy has had 2 bags of M&Ms, but hey...who's counting?)

So lets all pull up our pants, invest in a subway pass, and carry your business underground where people expect to see that kind of behavior.

Double Kiss, Double Hugs (well, maybe not, but I'm just trying to be nice),
L.