Open Letter to Carrie Bradshaw

Dear Ms. Bradshaw,

So okay. I know you're a fictional character, but humor me. I'm a little perturbed right now. You see, I was never a huge fan of Sex and the City, but I watched it on occasion and quickly learned, or so I thought, about "going out" in Manhattan. Fancy dress, fancy shoes, fancy friends, etc. Swell. So you can imagine my elation when I was recently invited to attend a Girls' Night Wine & Cheese party at my friend M's apartment in the city. I was over the moon excited about this event. I was going out to talk with adults and drink wine and wear fun clothes, etc. I immediately thought of you Carrie. I was going to channel all I had learned and use it to formulate the perfect evening out on the town by myself, sans toddler. Here's what I don't get:

1. I bet you, Carrie Bradshaw, never rode the subway for 5 stops before realizing that the bottle of wine you purchased specifically for this event was left in the car at the original stop. I bet you never had to make the decision to get off the subway at a random stop, praying they'd have a liquor store nearby, and I also bet that you were never the only one in a liquor store who DIDN'T get carded. That's a lot of betting, I know.

2. Carrie Bradshaw, have you EVER been reading a book on the subway and laugh so hard that you had to hold your mouth like a fish face to keep from braying like a jackass and yet still could not do anything about your shoulders which are shaking like crazy from the inner laughter? Yeah...thought not. Me? Oh yes. I looked like an epileptic fish. Posh.

3. I bet Carrie Bradshaw never rode 4 stops in the wrong direction because she was in such a hurry to get back on track after a liquor store diversion that she didn't pay attention to the whole uptown/downtown signage. But guess what? I totally did! Amateur mistake, and yet I manage. And it's about 110 degrees under ground in the summer. Tell me, Care-Bear, how you maintain your dynomite hair and makeup when it is 110 degrees? Oh wait. I know. It's called a Taxi.

5. I bet you never EVER had to use a chilled wine bottle as a cold compress to prevent you from getting armpit stains on your dress. Yeah. Never. But yet, two hours of hanging out underground in Manhattan will do that to a gal!

6. Lets talk about the shoes, Carrie. This is what really urked me the most because when I did, finally after 2 hours of riding around on the subway, 30 minutes of which was spent listening to a modern-day Cheech and Chong debate the merits of washing one's hair every other day vs. daily, arrive in Manhattan at the appropriate stop, I figured my shoes would get me where I needed to go. I mean, I wasn't even wearing Manolos. By the time I walked 3 blocks in the WRONG direction and then had to circle back plus add an additional 4 blocks, my feet were bleeding. BLEEDING. Classy. I never saw this happen to you Carrie. Not once. And I was wearing Naturalizer low granny heels disguised as "cute shoes".

7. On nary an episode of SATC did you, Ms. Bradshaw, arrive at a party totally dishevelled and harboring a strong desire to uncork your own bottle of hostess wine with your teeth and take a swig prior to ringing the bell. Never (well maybe you DID do this) did you down 4 glasses of wine in a matter of 10 minutes and seriously contemplate sticking your head in the cooler of ice in order to cool off from the "ordeal" of getting to the party.

8. How often have you ever played the "Two Lies and a Truth" ice breaker? Carrie, I bet you've played it at least once. But how often have you played it with people whose truths include being Jermaine Jackson's personal chauffer (the dude is g-a-y btw), going to Malaga(Spain) on a 2nd date next week, or have been shot at by Ugandans during a political coup? Yeah. Thought not. So there's me with my "I'm an Army wife." "I like brussel sprouts". "And my son is potty trained". So awesome. I totally rocked that game. (Actually, I did rock that game a bit. I quickly came up with some cool stuff after the Ugandan Coup lady took her turn).

9. Carrie Bradshaw never had to eat 50 pieces of cheese and half a loaf of bread to sober up after 4 glasses of wine so she could hurry home before Kentucky Fried Chicken closed so that she could pick up a bucket of wings to take to the family reunion the following day. (FYI Carrie, KFC was closed by the time I got there. FYI to everyone...KFC is not open at 2am.)

10. And perhaps the most embarrassing of them all...NEVER did Carrie Bradshaw EVER have to borrow the shoes literally off the hostess's feet to wear home because the thought of leaving that party and reliving the whole walk/ride home in those heels made you want to curl up in the fetal position and rock back & forth in the corner. But I did it. They were JCrew flip flops, too big for my feet. And one fell off as I was exiting the stair case on the subway and rolled down 9 steps before Skeevy Weird Dude picked it up, brought it to me, asked if I would turn into Cinderella while I silently cried about the plethora of subway germs multiplying on my foot at that very moment.

Carrie, don't get me wrong girlfriend. I had a ball once I finally did make it to the party. But I'm a tidge bit disappointed that I was unable to carry it off in CB Fashion. I suppose I need more practice, but in defense of women everywhere who are living vicariously through SATC reruns and dreaming of the day they too get invited to a fun, swanky party in the city...PLEASE keep it real girl. It ain't all glitz and glam. There's a lot of huffing, puffing, and sweating involved.

Double Kiss, Double Hugs,
L in the City